Decentering Men: An Exploration of Patriarchy, Relationships, and Feminist Living.
Before any system becomes a larger societal construct, it starts at home. Similarly, Patriarchy, as a form of systematic oppression, begins in the household; where gender roles are established and reinforced. These domestic spaces serve as incubators for wider societal norms, laying the foundation for issues like the gender wage gap and gender-based violence (GBV). In many South African homes, men are often positioned as the primary providers and protectors, which not only perpetuates economic inequality but also fosters an environment where violence becomes normalised. Even in queer relationships, the effects of patriarchy persist, as traditional gender expectations continue to influence power dynamics despite the absence of a heterosexual framework. Queer individuals, too, can face challenges in breaking free from these ingrained societal norms, often finding themselves navigating power struggles that mirror those seen in heterosexual relationships. GBV, starting as microaggressions and power imbalances in the home, can escalate into femicide, showing how harmful family dynamics bleed into society at large. For this reason, it is crucial to practice feminism in our daily lives and challenge patriarchal norms within the spaces that shape our understanding of gender, love, and relationships.
This essay explores how decentering men in relationships and feminist living can challenge patriarchal structures and their influence on gender dynamics. By examining the impact of patriarchal thinking on heterosexual relationships, it highlights the importance of creating spaces that foster equality and mutual respect. It argues that a fundamental shift in how we understand and enact relationships can contribute to a more equitable and just society for all genders.
While relationship dynamics may seem like private matters, they are often symptomatic of larger societal issues. When examined within the context of patriarchy, these dynamics are not isolated; they reflect the persistent inequalities that exist in society. This highlights the importance of adopting feminist principles and decentering male dominance both in intimate relationships and in broader societal structures as a critical step towards dismantling patriarchy and addressing the structural inequalities it perpetuates. One way feminist ideology can be applied in romantic settings is through the act of decentering men. The panic surrounding the idea of decentering men often stems from the misconception that it implies ostracising men altogether. Many straight women, for example, respond to calls for decentering men by emphasising their continued attraction to men, as though this somehow negates the need to challenge patriarchal norms. However, decentering, in the context of gender and relationships, refers to intentionally shifting the focus away from placing men at the centre of your thoughts, decision-making, and ultimately, your life. It involves not prioritising male perspectives or seeking male validation to define your self-worth. Instead, it’s about centering your own needs and experiences as a woman, dismantling the patriarchal structures that have traditionally positioned men at the forefront of both society and relationships. The goal is not to foster hatred towards men but to rebalance power dynamics by consciously refraining from automatically prioritising male opinions or needs. This empowers women to make life choices based on their own desires, rather than being driven by the need for male approval.
Decentering men in relationships involves shifting away from the traditional view that places men as the central figures, and instead recognising women and other marginalised genders as equal partners. Shifting away from men as the central figures in romantic relationships requires a deep reimagining of how women are socialised from childhood. From a young age, girls are groomed to prioritise the needs and desires of men, often learning to act, dress, and present themselves in ways that attract male attention and approval. This grooming isn’t just about physical appearance but also emotional labour, with girls raised to be caregivers and nurturers, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. Women are conditioned to value male validation above all else, which leads many to believe their worth is tied to their ability to please men, rather than cultivate fulfilling relationships with other women. A clear example of this can be seen in how women often uproot their lives to build community with men, whether through romantic relationships or by moving to new locations for the sake of a partner, while they may hesitate to do the same for their friendships with other women.
In the realm of child-rearing, this dynamic becomes even more pronounced. While women’s communities in raising children are often primarily composed of other women, the decision to bring children into the world is often centred on the willingness and desires of men to become fathers. This subtle yet pervasive influence reinforces the idea that men’s needs and decisions are the most important, overshadowing women’s autonomy and desires. A shift away from this male-centric perspective in relationships would see women approaching partnerships with men from a place of abundance. Instead of relying on romantic relationships to provide all emotional support, women would place value on their thriving friendships and communities with other women, which provide them with a sense of fulfilment and belonging. Romantic relationships would no longer take centre stage but would exist alongside a rich network of supportive relationships that aren’t dependent on the approval or validation of men. In this way, women can enter partnerships with men as equals, where both parties contribute equally to the relationship, free from the weight of traditional gender roles and expectations. This approach not only benefits women but also helps men by creating relationships based on mutual respect, where neither gender is expected to play a dominant role.
Decentering men in relationships has far-reaching societal implications, as seen in movements where women’s collective power challenges traditional gender norms and reshapes societal structures. In October 1975, women in Iceland used their influence through their participation in the household to demand political change. They refused to work, cook, and look after children for a day, an action that transformed how women were perceived in the country and helped position Iceland at the forefront of the global fight for gender equality. Similarly, the “4B movement” in South Korea, a radical feminist movement, involves women refusing marriage, childbirth, dating, and sexual relationships with men as a form of protest against societal expectations and gender inequality. These movements highlight how decentering men, particularly in the household, can have broader political ramifications. Both examples underscore the power of women coming together to voice their shared frustrations and demand change. They start with women uniting over the behaviours they deem unacceptable in men, whether it’s the language used or the treatment of women. By isolating and ostracising violent men or those who perpetuate harmful attitudes, these movements build momentum, challenging patriarchal systems and creating a society where gender no longer determines power or respect. In doing so, they pave the way for a more equitable and inclusive world.
It has become a common theme to practice feminism only in online spaces, where men are driven off platforms like Twitter for being abusive, only to be seen in public surrounded by women. This highlights a deeper issue: not enough men are being outwardly held accountable for their misogynistic behaviour. In fact, we often see women adopting this language and behaviour, perpetuating a cycle that contributes to the ongoing femicide in our country. If we, as women in South Africa, cannot come to a unanimous agreement on the kind of men we allow in our spaces, we will struggle to effectively mobilise against gender-based violence (GBV). We cannot continue to tolerate repeated offenders in our community simply because we fail to hold abusers, rapists, homophobes, and misogynists accountable. We cannot coexist in the same social spaces with men who are outed as perpetrators of such violence. This is why my call is to actively dismantle patriarchy first in romantic settings and the household, and then in broader settings. If we can hold men accountable in their most comfortable spaces, making it impossible for them to build lives as perpetrators, it will be easier to push the government to enforce laws that protect us. As long as there are women among us who create a safe space for men to mistreat them and other women, both in romantic relationships and in other areas, we will continue to struggle with larger societal pressures.
